Chris, this ones for you.

Recently I was studying for an upcoming AP European History quiz. Now, we all know what happens when I try to study (or at least you should by now- keep up people!) That being said, I went off on one of my notoriously useless self-distractiing thought processes. Now, just to enlighten the situation, the specific topic which I was studying was The Columbian Exchange… ‘nuff said.

I’m just gonna come out and say it. Christopher Columbus is history’s biggest douche bag. Seriously, there should be an award. I mean Alfred Nobel invented the A-bomb or something and look at him now! The most prestigious award in the world is named after his oopsy. All I’m saying is there should be a ‘Best jerk-off of the year award’ named after Christopher Columbus. (This, for example, would have gone to Kanye West last year after the VMAs... we all know why.)
I mean, the man accidentally discovered the Americas and the Caribbean when he was really looking for a direct trade route to Asia. Hey ass hole, look at a map. I know for a fact that ‘navigational manuals and cartography made map making more accurate’ because that’s going to be on my test so Chris, YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE! I mean sure, you didn’t know they were there so you thought if you just sailed around the globe for a little while you’d hit land and that would be your jackpot. Instead you brought about the greatest demographic catastrophe in human history… well done, I hope your happy.
Not only did Chris’s ‘little mistake’ lead to the spread of European disease in the Americas and devastation of natural landscape but (and here’s the kicker) if it weren’t for Chris and his big discovery there may not have been such a high demand for the slave trade. That’s right, you heard it here first. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS IS THE REASON BLACK PEOPLE STILL HAVE THAT CHIP ON THEIR SHOULDER! Blame him brothers, I do.
All I’m saying is that if Christopher Columbus had turned left, like all the sane, respectable explorers of his day did, the Americas and those beautiful Caribbean isles may still be in peace. The natives could have gone about their happy heathen ways, what with their cannibalistic rituals and their sexual indecencies. Sure some idiot was bound to sail into them at some point, but Chris, that idiot was you and you should not be proud of yourself.