I hate birds

Dear birds,
I hate you. Every morning I wake to the sound of your ecstatic chirps and squeaks and screeches. I feel like I am being assaulted by your exuberance. This is not okay. I do not enjoy being assaulted by your exuberance. It is not fun for me. Especially on days like today when I wake up with a splitting migraine for the fourth consecutive day.

Your range of pitch varies between mind numbing and brainwashing me into stabbing small, fluffy animals. I like fluffy animals. Do you know the theory that various audio waves or frequencies can stimulate an individual to do things they would not otherwise be inclined to do, like Zoolander killing the president of Korea or whoever he was going to kill. Your early morning pitch does that to me. You make me want to stab fluffy animals, birds, and that is not okay.
Likewise, if I am forced to retreat from the world and come home early because afore mentioned migraine that I started the day with has worsened to the point where it hurts to blink, this is not an open invitation to fly into my bedroom and declare how much you missed me while I am trying to rest my weary head.
Chances are, I did not miss you birds. I do not love you.

Sincerely,
Tara

PS- I am not Cinderella, I do not need you to sing to me as I get dressed in the morning.