I am currently reading a book about Sociopaths, written from the perspective of a diagnosed, high-functioning Sociopath. 'High-functioning' here means well integrated and non-violent.
Sociopath (noun) is defined as "a person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behaviour and a lack of conscience."
What has struck me most about this book is the romantic notion of living without feeling. Of excelling in life because you are unaware of or uncaring about others. I find this fascinating, and almost desirable.
Sociopaths are a rare and select subset of people that go through life lacking empathy and free of emotions. Whether that is good or bad is open for interpretation. An even smaller group within that population become violent as a result of their disregard for other's feelings. They are either unaware of how their crimes will affect others, or they are conscious of their actions and choose not to care. These people are the exception, not the norm.
Either way, I have found that we, the greater majority of empaths, find a certain fascination in people that can seemingly turn their emotions off. 'Wouldn't that be nice?', we think, 'Wouldn't life be easier?'
We like to tell each other how to feel.
We with emotions go through life thinking that the best way to deal with our emotions is to ignore them. When someone is upset we say “there, there” and pat them on the back, assuring them that the moment will pass. The nauseating sadness is just a speed bump in the road, and if we keep driving without slowing down we’ll launch over it with ease and leave it in our wake.
We think that honesty is something to fear and that showing you care is a sign of weakness. We think that if we put others before ourselves we will never get ahead. That's why we romanticise the notion of controlling our own emotions to the point where we do not feel at all.
And why wouldn’t we think this way? Movies show us, the media tells us, and our friends reassure us that sadness of any kind is something to rise above, not to be indulged, and not to be dwelled on.
I think we’re wrong.
I think that our emotions are our most honest expressions of ourselves. We can kid ourselves and train ourselves and keep ourselves busy but as soon as we stop to catch our breath, whatever feelings catch up with you as you lie awake in bed at night, that’s who we are. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
We should not have to apologise for how we feel. We should not believe that hope is naïve and pain is disgraceful.
We feel what we feel because that is how we survive.
Without fear we would not know when to run from danger. Without passion we would not know excitement. Without happiness we would have no purpose. And without pain we would not understand the blissful feeling of finally being content.
If we were more honest with ourselves we may not move on from sadness as quickly but once we do we will have overcome, not just masked, the pain that snuck into our minds and our hearts. If we were more honest with each other we would not hurt the people we once cared about or mislead people that we are only just getting to know. If we were more honest we would embrace our sadness, not hide from it.
Truth is not always neat and satisfying. Truth is grim and painful but it is more productive than a façade. We the modern age have perfected the façade. Given the choice between empathy and sociopathy I would choose the more painful route. It's what makes me who I am.
What would you choose?
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Monday, March 23, 2015
Thoughts from Places: Canberra
There is nothing like a bus ride through the vast Australian country-side and reading a book about Sociopathy to make you appreciate good friends.
Canberra is the capital city of the entire Australian continent. It was chosen for its location between Sydney and Melbourne, two major cities, but also because it lies inland and is therefore safe from attacks by sea. The word 'Canberra' means meeting place in local Aboriginal terms. This weekend Canberra was my meeting place; a weekend together after years apart.
I went to Canberra to visit friends from high school; a close friend I had not seen since we graduated almost four years ago, as well as one who left the school years before that. It had been four years since I'd seen the first friend, six years since I had seen the second, and 5 years of communication but never meeting yet another friend whom I was finally united with. It was a weekend of reunions. If I have learned anything in my short but thorough lifetime it is that friendship endures.
Friends are not just who you drink with when you want to have a good time, they are not just who you study with on a stressful night. They are so much more. Good friends are the people that are there for you on birthdays and send-offs. They are the hardest people to say goodbye to but the ones you know will love you no matter what you do or how silly you look. Friends are the ones you turn to in your hardest times, when you can’t decide if you want to be left alone or if you are lonely. They are the people that you can tell anything to, or go months without talking to and knowing without a doubt that your friendship will survive the silence; it will survive anything. True friends are there despite distance and time. Sometimes they are even there because of it.
Some of my greatest friends are the ones I have not lived close to in years. My two best friends and I each go to different universities in different parts of the country (or, in my case at the moment, on the other side of the world). But that has not changed the nature of our friendship in the slightest. If anything, distance brings you closer together, as you come to appreciate the other person in a way you take for granted when they are right by your side.
This may not be an award winning piece of writing, but I think it is something everyone knows. Go tell your best friend you love and miss them, even if you saw them yesterday. Friendship is a choice, one that we keep making over and over, no matter how far away they might be or how busy they are. Friendship is never a competition or a test, it is love in it's purest form. It is a meeting place.
Dear friends: I love you.
Canberra is the capital city of the entire Australian continent. It was chosen for its location between Sydney and Melbourne, two major cities, but also because it lies inland and is therefore safe from attacks by sea. The word 'Canberra' means meeting place in local Aboriginal terms. This weekend Canberra was my meeting place; a weekend together after years apart.
I went to Canberra to visit friends from high school; a close friend I had not seen since we graduated almost four years ago, as well as one who left the school years before that. It had been four years since I'd seen the first friend, six years since I had seen the second, and 5 years of communication but never meeting yet another friend whom I was finally united with. It was a weekend of reunions. If I have learned anything in my short but thorough lifetime it is that friendship endures.
Friends are not just who you drink with when you want to have a good time, they are not just who you study with on a stressful night. They are so much more. Good friends are the people that are there for you on birthdays and send-offs. They are the hardest people to say goodbye to but the ones you know will love you no matter what you do or how silly you look. Friends are the ones you turn to in your hardest times, when you can’t decide if you want to be left alone or if you are lonely. They are the people that you can tell anything to, or go months without talking to and knowing without a doubt that your friendship will survive the silence; it will survive anything. True friends are there despite distance and time. Sometimes they are even there because of it.
Some of my greatest friends are the ones I have not lived close to in years. My two best friends and I each go to different universities in different parts of the country (or, in my case at the moment, on the other side of the world). But that has not changed the nature of our friendship in the slightest. If anything, distance brings you closer together, as you come to appreciate the other person in a way you take for granted when they are right by your side.
This may not be an award winning piece of writing, but I think it is something everyone knows. Go tell your best friend you love and miss them, even if you saw them yesterday. Friendship is a choice, one that we keep making over and over, no matter how far away they might be or how busy they are. Friendship is never a competition or a test, it is love in it's purest form. It is a meeting place.
Dear friends: I love you.
Monday, March 16, 2015
TaraTour Top 5
I tend to shy away from lists and advice on this blog. I feel more comfortable sharing my inner most thoughts than I do telling people what to do. Posting a list feels like a cop-out to me, too rudimentary, too much like work (I’m a planner and list person by day, travel and observation blog aficionado by night).
That being said, I spent the last couple days planning trips and excursions that I want partake on to make the most my time in Australia. I have a ten-day fantasy tour through Thailand, a weekend in Melbourne, and catching up with dear friends in Canberra all to look forward to. In doing this, I realise that I am fortunate enough to have personal experience traveling and planning trips and adventures. So I thought I would share.
1. Treat every trip as an adventure.
Whether it is a hiking day trip, a weekend in a familiar place, or a grand new expedition, go into it with the attitude that you have new things to learn even if it is an old place you’re seeing. Every day does not have to be magnificent, but you can find something extraordinary in even the simplest things you do.
2. Give yourself time to compare and evaluate the best options for planes, trains or automobiles.
The reality of the times is that traveling, as enriching and enjoyable as it is, can be very expensive. Finding the most affordable method of travel makes any trip more enjoyable knowing that you start with a good deal. For a short trip I usually compare busses, trains and flights to see which is most cost effective and convenient. For anything more monumental flight comparison websites likes skyscanner.com and onetravel make things quite easy these days. Check the average cost ahead of time, and compare different weekends to make sure that you are not getting ripped off due to busy seasons. If you can, be flexible.
3. Stay in a hostel or an air bnb for a more social, local experience.
Hostels are great for more than just the cheap rates. If you’re brave, hostels allow you to share not just your room but also your experience with like-minded, open, and adventurous people. Some, if not all, have bars and common areas for you to mingle in, and usually have events or at the very least employees that can help you get a feel for the area you are exploring. An air bnb, while more private, also allows for a level of connection to a local member of the community, and encourages you out of the tourist traps of hotels and into a much more organic feel for the city. Unless you are planning a luxurious weekend of pampering, hotels are over priced and limiting in your experience.
4. Get off the beaten track!
I cannot emphasise this enough. While tourist attractions are attractive for a reason, they are riddled with sightseers and tend to lack the essence of the every-day life of a city. If I aim to see the sights I am most likely to do a walking tour of the city in the least amount of time and then get out and explore on my own. The best possible way to learn about a place is to get lost. Keep a map for emergencies, but take your nose out of the page and stick it into the side streets, the local cafés, the nooks and crannies and favourite spots of the people that were born and raised in this place you chose to visit. If you are going to make a plan for while you are there, plan what NOT to do. Make a list of avoidable, unsafe, or unattractive areas and things so you know what to steer clear of. Everything else is free game. Strike up a conversation with people you meet, fellow travellers or otherwise, and see what they recommend. Learn about the area and the possibilities for not just where you are but what is going on while you are there.
5. Observe.
If simply to be aware of your surroundings so you stay safe (which is incredibly under-appreciated at times), or if it is taking your eyes off a map or your phone screen so you can get the most of your experience. Look around you. Watch how people interact; learn how the city was built and continues to live; find the popular areas; embrace culture shock; look out for happy people and I guarantee you their happiness will transfer to you so you will feel exuberant and open-minded.
As I said, I cannot hope to tell you what to do or how to do it. This is simply how I like to enhance my experiences abroad or otherwise. It is unrealistic to say that I live every day by these principles, but I certainly try to.
That being said, I spent the last couple days planning trips and excursions that I want partake on to make the most my time in Australia. I have a ten-day fantasy tour through Thailand, a weekend in Melbourne, and catching up with dear friends in Canberra all to look forward to. In doing this, I realise that I am fortunate enough to have personal experience traveling and planning trips and adventures. So I thought I would share.
1. Treat every trip as an adventure.
Whether it is a hiking day trip, a weekend in a familiar place, or a grand new expedition, go into it with the attitude that you have new things to learn even if it is an old place you’re seeing. Every day does not have to be magnificent, but you can find something extraordinary in even the simplest things you do.
2. Give yourself time to compare and evaluate the best options for planes, trains or automobiles.
The reality of the times is that traveling, as enriching and enjoyable as it is, can be very expensive. Finding the most affordable method of travel makes any trip more enjoyable knowing that you start with a good deal. For a short trip I usually compare busses, trains and flights to see which is most cost effective and convenient. For anything more monumental flight comparison websites likes skyscanner.com and onetravel make things quite easy these days. Check the average cost ahead of time, and compare different weekends to make sure that you are not getting ripped off due to busy seasons. If you can, be flexible.
3. Stay in a hostel or an air bnb for a more social, local experience.
Hostels are great for more than just the cheap rates. If you’re brave, hostels allow you to share not just your room but also your experience with like-minded, open, and adventurous people. Some, if not all, have bars and common areas for you to mingle in, and usually have events or at the very least employees that can help you get a feel for the area you are exploring. An air bnb, while more private, also allows for a level of connection to a local member of the community, and encourages you out of the tourist traps of hotels and into a much more organic feel for the city. Unless you are planning a luxurious weekend of pampering, hotels are over priced and limiting in your experience.
4. Get off the beaten track!
I cannot emphasise this enough. While tourist attractions are attractive for a reason, they are riddled with sightseers and tend to lack the essence of the every-day life of a city. If I aim to see the sights I am most likely to do a walking tour of the city in the least amount of time and then get out and explore on my own. The best possible way to learn about a place is to get lost. Keep a map for emergencies, but take your nose out of the page and stick it into the side streets, the local cafés, the nooks and crannies and favourite spots of the people that were born and raised in this place you chose to visit. If you are going to make a plan for while you are there, plan what NOT to do. Make a list of avoidable, unsafe, or unattractive areas and things so you know what to steer clear of. Everything else is free game. Strike up a conversation with people you meet, fellow travellers or otherwise, and see what they recommend. Learn about the area and the possibilities for not just where you are but what is going on while you are there.
5. Observe.
If simply to be aware of your surroundings so you stay safe (which is incredibly under-appreciated at times), or if it is taking your eyes off a map or your phone screen so you can get the most of your experience. Look around you. Watch how people interact; learn how the city was built and continues to live; find the popular areas; embrace culture shock; look out for happy people and I guarantee you their happiness will transfer to you so you will feel exuberant and open-minded.
As I said, I cannot hope to tell you what to do or how to do it. This is simply how I like to enhance my experiences abroad or otherwise. It is unrealistic to say that I live every day by these principles, but I certainly try to.
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Happiness, Part 1
In the old English meaning of the word, gay is defined as ‘light- hearted and carefree’. This definition may be out-dated, but that does not mean that it is misguided.
This semester I am taking a class on the Philosophy of Happiness. I am devoting my time, both in my studies and in my every day life, not to simply defining happiness, but to understanding it.
A few nights ago Sydney held the LGBTQI Mardi Gras parade. This event was geared towards gay rights (in the modern meaning of the word) and equality. It succeeded, however, in drawing in a large crowd of people who were straight, curious, gay, unsure, or uncaring either way. It became less about the social implications of the parade and entirely about the general energy of the crowd – the gay atmosphere.
Following the parade, some friends and I went to a local bar to rest our legs and have a drink. There, I watched a group of lesbian women dance exuberantly at the back of the room. Whether they were celebrating the expression of their rights, or if they’d simply had a few more drinks than I had, I saw in them both meanings of the word: proud to share their love and sexuality with members of the same sex and light-hearted, happy, and carefree. They seemed to me to be the happiest people in the pub.
Happiness is impossible to define (though scholars and lay-people alike have tried time and time again). Happiness is not something merely to be studied and hypothesised about. It is more than the discrepancy between a psychological state and a successful lifestyle. It is an expression, an experience, it is an act as much as it is a feeling. It is both a fleeting moment and a way of life.
Happiness is whatever we make it. It cannot be defined because we each define it differently, through our own hopes and experiences. Through our successes and our failures. Whether it is loving someone (no matter what gender), or simply sitting down with a beer after three hours on your feet, one thing is certain: happiness is essential.
This semester I am taking a class on the Philosophy of Happiness. I am devoting my time, both in my studies and in my every day life, not to simply defining happiness, but to understanding it.
A few nights ago Sydney held the LGBTQI Mardi Gras parade. This event was geared towards gay rights (in the modern meaning of the word) and equality. It succeeded, however, in drawing in a large crowd of people who were straight, curious, gay, unsure, or uncaring either way. It became less about the social implications of the parade and entirely about the general energy of the crowd – the gay atmosphere.
Following the parade, some friends and I went to a local bar to rest our legs and have a drink. There, I watched a group of lesbian women dance exuberantly at the back of the room. Whether they were celebrating the expression of their rights, or if they’d simply had a few more drinks than I had, I saw in them both meanings of the word: proud to share their love and sexuality with members of the same sex and light-hearted, happy, and carefree. They seemed to me to be the happiest people in the pub.
Happiness is impossible to define (though scholars and lay-people alike have tried time and time again). Happiness is not something merely to be studied and hypothesised about. It is more than the discrepancy between a psychological state and a successful lifestyle. It is an expression, an experience, it is an act as much as it is a feeling. It is both a fleeting moment and a way of life.
Happiness is whatever we make it. It cannot be defined because we each define it differently, through our own hopes and experiences. Through our successes and our failures. Whether it is loving someone (no matter what gender), or simply sitting down with a beer after three hours on your feet, one thing is certain: happiness is essential.
Monday, March 2, 2015
Moments
At this point in time I am sitting in the window seat of a small café on a busy street near my new home.
One month ago I was with my sister in Vancouver, Canada. One week ago I was under the stars on a secluded beach in Port Stephens, north of Sydney. One year ago I was in Boston, unable to imagine any of these places. I have no way of knowing where I will be one year from now, but for now I am here.
Life is made up of a series of moments. Each one can bleed into the next, yet each one is unique. Each moment we live we make a choice to embrace that moment for what it is: a single point in time. Unaffected by our past and each instant leading up to it; shaped by them, but not determined by them. Untainted by the moments yet to come and the uncertainty they hold.
What I have done, who I have been up until this point in time is significant. It is my life, thus far. But that does not mean it is who I am or who I need to be. The wonderful thing about moments is that they happen one at a time, and you can choose to embrace them as they come or wallow in the ones already past.
I have been sad, but that does not mean that I should feel sad now. I have been happy, but that does not mean I am happy now. At this point in time I am content, and that is all I need.
What I will do, who I will be is as of yet undecided. I have not decided because I do not need to decide that now. Even if I did, there is nothing to say that my decision will come to fruition. Plans are blueprints, but they are not a map. I have planned what I want to do and who I want to be, but I know life will happen whether I plan it or not.
At this point in time that is okay. I choose to embrace this entirely unique moment.
One month ago I was with my sister in Vancouver, Canada. One week ago I was under the stars on a secluded beach in Port Stephens, north of Sydney. One year ago I was in Boston, unable to imagine any of these places. I have no way of knowing where I will be one year from now, but for now I am here.
Life is made up of a series of moments. Each one can bleed into the next, yet each one is unique. Each moment we live we make a choice to embrace that moment for what it is: a single point in time. Unaffected by our past and each instant leading up to it; shaped by them, but not determined by them. Untainted by the moments yet to come and the uncertainty they hold.
What I have done, who I have been up until this point in time is significant. It is my life, thus far. But that does not mean it is who I am or who I need to be. The wonderful thing about moments is that they happen one at a time, and you can choose to embrace them as they come or wallow in the ones already past.
I have been sad, but that does not mean that I should feel sad now. I have been happy, but that does not mean I am happy now. At this point in time I am content, and that is all I need.
What I will do, who I will be is as of yet undecided. I have not decided because I do not need to decide that now. Even if I did, there is nothing to say that my decision will come to fruition. Plans are blueprints, but they are not a map. I have planned what I want to do and who I want to be, but I know life will happen whether I plan it or not.
At this point in time that is okay. I choose to embrace this entirely unique moment.
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